Mandatory Credit: Joy R. Absalon-USA TODAY Sports

Boston Red Sox Lose Season Opener, Give Up On 2014


There’s always next season. After their heart-wrenching loss yesterday to the Baltimore Orioles by the score of 2-1, the Boston Red Sox decided it would be best to focus their efforts on the 2015 season. Players and coaches gathered in the locker room to discuss the best way to get through the next 161 games without sacrificing anything for the future.

“We are all excited at the prospect of getting back to the Series in 2015,” said Red Sox ace Jon Lester. He continued to discuss how his first outing of the season may be his last, so to give some of their younger pitchers more experience in pitching in meaningful April games.

Grady Sizemore started the game in centerfield and hit his first home run since the first Barack Obama administration. The current MVP favorite was thrilled with his performance and is not willing to reign in his efforts on his way to a career year. Sizemore stated, “I spoke with John (Farrell) and explained to him that I am going to hit 102 home runs this season, whether we are a five win team, or a 12 a win team. That MVP trophy is as good as mine.”

Some of the team’s veterans agreed that Sizemore should get his shot at stardom in a season that is already over. David Ortiz and Mike Napoli could be seen exchanging tears and a hug after admitting defeat, and Dustin Pedroia will likely sit out the next 161 games due to a mild sprain on his left pinky-toe.

Perhaps most upset was team mascot Wally The Green Monster. After an offseason of rigorous training with the chance to repeat as World Series champs, Wally was in disdain after the Orioles recorded the final out of the game. Though not in attendance, players say they heard the cries of Wally all the way from Boston and knew they had let him down. “We are only human, unlike Wally,” admitted manager John Farrell. “One day, when we evolve into the creatures we were meant to be, Wally will be proud to call us his equal and we can finally perform at a level that is accepting of his species.”

Happy April Fools everyone! Obviously these quotes are fake and the Sox are looking forward to trying to repeat this season. The one thing that may not be a joke is whether or not Wally is human.

Tags: 2014 MLB Opening Day April Fools Boston Red Sox David Ortiz Grady Sizemore John Farrell Jon Lester

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