Don’t worry, Celtics fans: Brian Scalabrine is heading back to the Celtics, but to the broadcast booth, not the bench where he spent most of his time during the Big 3 era.
And if Scalabrine’s game plan is to announce his return to a city he loves, what better way is there to do it than to get a few playful digs in about a player most Celtics fans are tired of seeing in the playoffs?
The cover photo, posted on CSNNE today, says it all:
“I’m Coming Home”, by Brian Scalabrine, as told by Brian Scalabrine, follows LeBron’s Sports Illustrated essay almost to the letter in the beginning, but quickly veers off the rails into hysterical and often self-depracating zingers.
A selection of some of the best one-liners:
(From the intro) “I guess I was kind of like the fans except I had a courtside seat for free and if we were up by 20 with less than two minutes to play I would get to go into the game.”
(On leaving Boston) “But if I had to do it (leave Boston) all over again, I’d probably still have left. Chicago, for me, has always been like graduate school for rich suburban white kids.”
(On writing the essay) “I’m doing this essay because I want an opportunity to explain myself uninterrupted…and gather some great press based on another recent NBA signing…in almost the exact same way.”
(On deciding to return to Boston) “I looked at other teams, but I wasn’t going to leave Oakland for anywhere except Boston…or maybe Chicago…or maybe Brooklyn…or possibly Los Angeles to go back with Doc.”
(Parodying LeBron’s story of reconciling with Cavs owner Dan Gilbert) “Everybody makes mistakes. I’ve made mistakes as well – I once mispronounced Omer Asik’s name in Chicago. Who am I to hold a grudge?”
(On going back to the booth) “I feel my calling here goes above basketball – get it…calling…double meaning? They call that a pun.”
(On another championship) “I’m not promising a championship. I know how hard that is to deliver. We’re not ready right now. No way. Of course, I want to win next year, but I’m realistic. I’m only a broadcaster – what could I really do?”
You really owe it to yourself to read the entire essay, as the whole thing just gets progressively sillier until Scalabrine concludes that “I’m ready to accept the Scallenge. Boston, I’m coming home.”
Catch Brian Scalabrine as a color announcer on CSNNE broadcasting Celtics games once the 2014-2015 NBA season starts on October 28th, 2014.