Tom Brady, A Suspension, and Ol’ Roger Goodell

Sometimes, in life, you have to do things you don’t want to do, including, but not limited to, mowing the lawn when it’s 100 degrees outside, scrubbing the grill after a barbecue, and changing your windshield wiper blades *before* a monsoon rainstorm of Jurassic Park proportions.

Which is why I’m touching on this godforsaken Scooby-Doo episode of a topic for, hopefully, the final time.

(It probably won’t be the final time, but a man can dream. I’ll keep you guys posted on whether the whole me-and-Jennifer-Lawrence thing works out. Dream big, people.)

First things first – the Patriots, as an organization, are pretty much bulletproof in terms of getting punished, thanks to the Wells report conclusion that Bill Belichick, his assistants, and the Patriots ownership had no knowledge or part in the offense at hand. So that’s out. If the NFL turns around and docks the team a draft pick, or even fines them, or both, a la SpyGate’s historic slap in the face, after Wells concluded that the Patriots, as a whole, had clean hands, would be a bonehead move of unprecedented proportions. Think like Doritos saying that Nacho Cheese is going to be discontinued.

Unless, of course, Goodell goes with the “ignorance is not an excuse” tactic, which worked out really well for him when it came to obtaining a certain video of a certain incident in a certain casino involving a certain running back that played for the Ravens.

With that possibility pretty much headed off at the pass, the only target left, aside from the two Pariots equipment guys involved with game-day footballs (who will surely be suspended indefinitely by the team or fired anyway), is Tom Brady. And the only three possibilities are that Brady is suspended, fined, or both, barring the possibility of Roger Goodell doing something like telling Tom to run far, far away and never return to the Pride Lands again.

A fine will almost certainly happen. Given that the Jets were fined $100,000 for tampering just a few weeks ago, a couple hundred thousand seems like a logical estimate, to which Tom will more than likely respond “Do you accept cash?”

But a suspension seems rather unlikely, even though folks like Shannon Sharpe, whose team totally never cheated, have called for a four-game suspension for Brady and a one-year suspension for Bill Belichick.

The reason?

Roger Goodell only has about two $10 poker chips worth of credibility these days, and suspending Tom Brady for a “more probable than not” role in being “generally aware” of air pressure in a football will take all of two seconds to be compared to other suspensions for various offenses.

In other words, with the record number of players that the commissioner has suspended (literally, it’s a record), no matter how many games Goodell suspended Tom Brady for, the comparisons to the suspensions of the past will range from the absurd to the downright hysterical. In fact, let’s go there now, because A) it’ll be fun, and B) who doesn’t like to laugh at a guy who gets paid $44,000,000 to be Boss Hogg for a living?

Say the Iron Fist of the NFL gives Brady a one-game suspension. In recent memory, safety Dashon Goldson was suspended for one game for “repeated violations of the league’s player safety policy” (read: helmet-to-helmet shots), and Lions center Dominic Raiola was suspended one game for stomping on Bears tackle Ego Ferguson. Is air pressure in a game ball on the same plane as players potentially causing career-ending injuries? On the other hand, LeGarrette Blount is suspended one game in 2015-2016 for getting caught with marijuana and bro-ing out with La’Veon Bell, so there’s that.

If the NFL levels a two-game suspension, the comparison that will come screaming down the pipe is that Goodell initially suspended Ray Rice for two games after knocking his then-fiance unconscious last year in a decision that makes George W. Bush look competent by comparison. Dishing out the same punishment for a “more probable than not” role in altering game balls and a 200-pound running back with biceps bigger than most people’s thighs punching his now-wife in the head is EXACTLY the kind of publicity Goodell wants.

Also, Josh Gordon’s first substance abuse suspension was two games. Not to be confused with his second suspension, or…

Three-game suspensions seem relatively rare, but Cedric Benson was suspended for three games in 2011 for misdemeanor assault while he was still with the Cincinnati Bengals. That was four years ago, and people were already starting to chatter about “Hey, Rog…some of these, um, punishments…don’t quite add up, buddy.”

Four-game suspensions are all kinds of fun, because now we can get into players being suspended for both substance abuse policy violations and performance-enhancing drug policy violations, in addition to repeat offenders for stuff like illegal hits getting cracked down on. Some big names on this list include safety LaRon Landry getting popped for PEDs (again), linebacker Robert Mathis getting suspended four games for a drug designed to enhance his performance in the bedroom, and cornerback Brandon Browner’s bizarre suspension for drug tests he missed when he was playing in Canada was also four games.

I think you get the idea.

Throw in the plethora of assumptions, deductions of logic in the absence of actual proof, and, of course, the delightful “more probable than not” and “Tom Brady was at least generally aware” legal gibberish Wells spent a third of a year putting together, and the suspension route is going to be some tough sledding.

Then again, a suspension from the NFL probably wouldn’t surprise many people at all, just because we’ve all become so used to a roulette wheel of punishment that it’s not even fun saying “WTF?” anymore.

Maybe Tom Brady will get put on double-secret probation, too.