8 Possible Outcomes of Tom Brady’s Appeal
“They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue! It’s the NFL* way!”
*in the movie, of course, it’s the Chicago Way, but close enough.
The NFL has fired back against the perceived slights of DeflateGate, and it’s clear that a long, arduous road is ahead of the league and Tom Brady. While the hearing for Brady’s appeal hasn’t happened yet, we already know that Commissioner Roger Goodell has appointed himself arbitrator in the appeal, which of course, he can do, according to the 2011 CBA, so with that in mind, here’s 8 potential ways that Patriots quarterback Tom Brady’s arbitration could work out:
1) Brady’s suspension is upheld. Goodell retains his position as arbitrator, and comes to the conclusion that the report that paying Ted Wells $5,000,000 (estimate) to produce over four months of investigating, hiring consulting firms, and finishing sudoku puzzles is conclusive enough to suspend Tom Brady for the first 4 games of the season. During his press conference, when asked about Troy Vincent delivering Brady’s upheld punishment, Goodell states “Troy Vincent may be the Hand of the King, but I am the Ruler of the Seven Kingdoms.”
2) Brady’s Suspension is reduced. After rigorous debate, numerous pizza breaks, and PowerPoint presentations, Goodell concedes that the Wells Report maybe possibly just might have a few areas where evidence is a tiny bit less than totally conclusive in a way that would implicate Brady’s involvement beyond the shadow of a doubt, and offers a 3 ¾ game suspension as a compromise. Brady offers 1 game. Goodell offers 3 ¼ games. Brady offers 1 ¼ games. Goodell offers 3 games. Brady offers 1 1/8 games. Goodell offers 3 ½ games. Brady offers 1 ½ games. Goodell offers 3 games again. Brady offers 1 ¾ games. Goodell says “Wait, I have an idea. What if we just say you’re suspended for two games?” Brady (strokes chin thoughtfully) “Screw it, that’ll work”. The pair shakes hands. “Good talk.”
3) Brady’s Suspension is overturned. Attorney Jeffrey Kessler stumps Roger Goodell and the NFL by stating:
“Who would cross the Bridge of Arbitration must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see”
“Proceed, Kessler, I am not afraid!”
“What…is your name?”
“Roger Goodell, Commissioner of the National Football League!”
“What…is your quest?”
“To protect the shield!”
“What…is your favorite color?”
“Red. No, white. No, blue. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!”
(flies through roof of NFL headquarters into MetLife Stadium)
Kessler: “Well, who’s ready for some lunch? I know a great sushi place.”
4) Brady’s suspension is upheld, then 8 games are added for failure to cooperate after previously failing to cooperate in past instances of not cooperating, for a total suspension of 12 games. Goodell states “You were a member on the 2007 Patriots team, which was told after the 2006 season that videotaping from an on-field location was illegal, and then your coach did it anyway, which you were more probably than not generally aware of since you work in the same building and are at least sort of friends, and I see from your Verizon bill in 2007 that you were billed $354.60 for text messages outside of your data plan, and also when you and Peyton Manning suggested the rule change in 2006 that let quarterbacks prepare their own game balls to their specifications, that also consists of not cooperating since you and Peyton essentially said that the way the NFL was operating at the time was not the absolute best way possible in the whole wide world, and that, sir, is not cooperation as I understand it”
5) Brady’s suspension is upheld, and is put on lifetime double-secret probation. In addition to serving a four-game suspension without pay to begin the 2015 NFL season, Brady is also prohibited from spiking a football after a rushing touchdown, stating that “We don’t know if that’s all part of a conspiracy to remove 0.01472 PSI from an offensive football.” When asked “How come Gronk gets to do it and I don’t?”, Goodell responds “Not my problem, buckaroo.” Brady is also prohibited from ever scoring 50+ points on an opponent in a single game again, including, but not limited to, the New York Jets. Brady is also not allowed to pick himself in fantasy football drafts until he retires.
6) Brady’s suspension is reduced, but Brady is billed for all Goodell’s legal fees from attorneys that have to write flash cards for his following press conferences. Total cost: $6,943,576.17.
7) Brady’s Suspension is reduced, and the final score of the AFC Championship game is updated to 56-0 to reflect that the second half was played with properly inflated New England game balls, whereas the first half was not. Second-half results of 28-0 will be multiplied by two to adjust for discrepancy. Bob Kravitz mumbles something that sounds vaguely like “I’ll set the building on fire.”
8) Former NFL Comissioner Paul Tagliabue is called in to arbitrate. Spends 5 minutes reviewing abbreviated Wells Report and WellsReportContext.com, respectively, looks at Brady and Goodell, states “Y’all are a bunch of damn idiots”, and fines Brady $100,000 and Goodell 1% of his annual pre-tax salary for wasting a day Tag could have spent on the golf course with a beer.