Patriots’ “Kryptonite” on the loose

Dear Bernard,

We don’t like you.  As Patriots’ fans, we can’t.

I had to get that out up front – and I know I don’t have to explain this to you, but just in case, you should be aware that you are responsible for the interruption of a dynasty.

In 2008 as a member of the Kansas City Chiefs, you crawled after our Quarterback, hitting him at the knees and scrambling all of his knee-guts.

In 2009 as a Houston Texan, you scared Wes Welker so bad that his knee-guts tore all by themselves.  In 2011 as a Baltimore Raven you ripped up Gronk’s ankle-guts so we couldn’t use him in the Super Bowl, and last year you rung Stevan Ridley’s bell so hard that he couldn’t taste his food for a week….

…and in every instance it changed the course of destiny.

Not necessarily because of the injuries themselves, but because our team wasn’t tough enough to overcome those injuries.  Make no mistake, the Patriots were talented enough in each instance to win the title, but were lacking the intestinal fortitude to turn the negative in their favor.

And it didn’t help our cause when that sandbagger Eli Manning swooped in like a vulture and took the trophy from Tommy at the last minute, carrying it back to his wake where the stupid things try to feed on it…

You have had such a negative impact on the New England Patriots that I have only one thing to say to your season-stealing face:

You wanna come play for us?

You see, the Dynasty isn’t over, you just interrupted it.  It is ongoing and ready to ascend to the throne once again.  We have the best offense in the league and a defense that just happens to need a strong safety/enforcer type which, as we know from sad experience, is you.

This defense needs more attitude.  There is talent here, what with Vince and Devin and Jerod and Chandler and Dont’a…and can’t forget about Spikes, he has the attitude as well and you two may become fast friends – you’d be working with McCourty, Alfonzo Dennard and perhaps Aqib Talib.  Add the name Pollard and what the Patriots have is a secondary that can bring it.

It makes too much sense, really.  Maybe too much sense to be anything more than wishful thinking. The team has been looking for someone like you since Rodney Harrison left.  Coincidentally, the Patriots haven’t won a Super Bowl since he left.

Nobody’s going to beg you, man.  Have you seen what’s going on with Welker?  The Patriots don’t play games, they won’t beg you, won’t try to sell you on the Patriot Way.  This is stuff you already know about – they just want to win, and you know how to do that.  Violently.

Nobody’s going to try and entice you with the “Chance to win a Super Bowl” stuff.  For sure, the Patriots aren’t going to break the bank to pay you, but I’m sure the offer would be market value.

and maybe you don’t get an offer from them at all, though I shudder to think that you wouldn’t at least get a phone call…

So just think about it, and take Bill’s call if he does try to contact you…and I don’t know why he wouldn’t – it’s much safer having you on our side.