New England Patriots: A Hater’s Guide to the Seattle Seahawks
And just when you thought the only thing to come out of the Pacific Northwest lately was insufferable taste in music and oil-infused beards, here come the Seattle Seahawks, the Legion of Boom, and the strongest gheri-curl this side of Pedro Martinez, fresh off the Packers epic collapse stunning comeback victory in the NFC Championship. Legions of 12th Men will soon descend upon sports bars and Super Bowl parties alike, electrified and LOUD at the possibility of taking down the dirty, cheating, Darth-Vader-coached Patriots and pretty boy extraordinaire Tom Brady. It’ll be a heck of a game.
So, in case you need some ammo to (politely) put THAT GUY (we all know THAT GUY, and THAT GUY is a tool) in a Marshawn Lynch jersey yelling “BEAST MODE!!” every time there’s a run play in his place, or your patience with deflated balls jokes has been thoroughly exhausted, here’s a handy guide to your NFC Champion Seattle Seahawks. Because, as School House Rock aptly taught us, knowledge is power.
Seattle’s Defense is Based on Blatant and Deliberate Cheating
(Dukes of Hazzard voice) “Them there Patriots are cheaters, what with them videotapin’ hand signals that everyone else in the stadium can see, and throwin’ touchdowns to linebackers, and their no-huddlin’ offense that don’t never huddle, and their lineman and receivers lining up all different-like!”
Now switch to a Morpheus voice. “What if I told you…that a defense was based on committing blatant and deliberate pass interference on every play, knowing that referees will not throw a flag on every play because the game would become unbearable?”
Morpheus doesn’t have to tell you, because the Wall Street Journal already did in January of 2014. In WSJ’s words, Seattle’s defensive strategy consists of 85% “defenders mug, obstruct and foul opposing receivers on practically every play” and 15% chest-bumping after said strategy works to perfection, because of course it does. Other tactics include “bear hugs” for enemy receivers (how adorable!), and “pinning (Rams receiver Tavon Austin’s) arms to his side”, and daring the refs to throw a penalty flag and make every Seahawks game take 4.5 days long. Which would be fine, as long as beer was served past the third quarter.
Seattle’s “12th Man” is Ripped Off From Texas A&M
Imitation might be the sincerest form of flattery, but for Christ’s sake, Seattle, don’t act like you invented something that’s existed for a century already.
That’s right, Seattle’s 12th Man, bamboozlers of Peyton Manning and Aaron Rodgers alike, earthquake-creating craft-beer-drinking superfans, the “12s”, are blatantly swiping their moniker from a 100-year-old Texas A&M tradition. Maybe next week, they could take some tortilla chips, put some shredded cheese and tomatoes and sour cream and bean dip on them, and invent nachos.
Seriously, though, Texas A&M traces the origin of their “12th Man” (known to the average person as “legions of college students that drink their body weight in Coors Light”) all the way back to 1922, and actually has their own version of the movie “Rudy” to back it up. Let’s see what happens when another bunch of defensive backs started calling themselves the “Legion of Boom”. Exact same thing.
Seattle Leads the NFL in PED Suspensions Since 2010
If it seems like there’s something in the water in Seattle that makes the Seahawks bigger, faster, and stronger (it took a lot of self-control not to drop “Harder Better Faster Stronger” there) than everyone else, well, you just may be on to something. Or “on something”, as it were.
Seattle’s defense sets plenty of records on the field, but one that they might not want to see in the spotlight is that the Seahawks led the league from 2010-2013 in PED suspensions, and that’s not counting professional troll and occasional cornerback Richard Sherman successfully appealing his suspension based on improper handling of his sample. Between him and Ryan Braun, you’d be forgiven for asking yourself why handling liquid in a sealed cup apparently requires a PHD in Theoretical Physics.
Pete Carroll Bailed on USC After Getting USC Sanctioned
Seahawks coach Pete Carroll’s got a well-deserved reputation as a relentlessly positive buddy-coach that never lets his players quit in their pursuit of greatness. Unless, of course, the NCAA is lowering the ban-hammer on you, in which case, Carroll is apparently about as useful as a friend when you need to move your entire apartment’s worth of furniture across town and up three flights of stairs.
Here’s a timeline for your perusal if your memory is rusty:
2000: Pete Carroll hired by USC to revive Trojans football as top-tier program.
2003-2005: USC wins 34 straight games, sets school record.
January 2010: Leaves USC to become head coach of Seattle Seahawks.
June 2010: NCAA sanctions USC with a 2 year bowl ban, 30 lost scholarships, and vacating victories from the 04-05 season, including the BCS title win, due to “improper gifts”.
While the NCAA is approximately as useful as Officer Farva in Super Troopers, peacing out on a bunch of college kids that had nothing to do with their football program getting punched in the face is just a little on the slick side.
Seattle Made the Playoffs in 2010 With a 7-9 Record
The NFC South basically threw up all over itself this year with all the grace of a college student after Mardi Gras. Depending on which team we’re talking about, they were either dry heaving over the porcelain throne (Saints), pounding Advil and attempting to find your ID and debit card (Falcons) trying to force down some bacon and eggs and a mimosa without getting nauseous (Panthers), or projectile vomiting in the bathtub after falling asleep in said bathtub fully clothed the night before (Buccaneers). There are no winners, only losers. And if you’re a Panthers fan and thought beating Arizona in the playoffs this year was an accomplishment, you probably also got psyched after beating Mario Kart 64 on 50cc.
2014’s NFC South lost so many games, it got everyone talking again about whether every division really even deserves a playoff berth. Wait a second, though. Surely that’s the first time a team with a losing record snuck in the backdoor to the postseason, right?
Why, I’m glad you asked. Guess who the first team to proudly faceplant into a playoff game in NFL history was?
“I’ll take the Seattle Seahawks for $500, Alex”
Well blow me down. You’re right!
Now, dear friends, go forth and preach the gospel on Super Bowl Sunday.