Patriots, Colts, and DeflateGate In An Alternate Universe!
Editor’s note: the following tale that you have stumbled upon is satire, which needs to be specified for the same reasons people need warnings on their coffee cups saying that coffee is hot. That said, enjoy the following bizarro-world alternate universe in which the New England Patriots and Indianapolis Colts play in the 2014-2015 AFC Championship Game, and then…well, you’ll see.
January 18th, 2015 – “That’s all she wrote, folks – the Indianapolis Colts have absolutely run all over the New England Patriots, crushing them by a final score of 45 to 7, and the Colts are heading to Arizona to play the NFC Champion Seattle Seahawks in the Super Bowl! I’m Jim Nantz, and my broadcast partner Phil Simms and I wish you all good night.”
Later that night, while Indianapolis sleeps peacefully and New England rues another blowout loss to a loathed conference rival that has constantly thwarted their Super Bowl ambitions and dreams for the past 15 seasons, a little-known Boston beat writer by the name of Bob Kravitz issues a cryptic tweet:
“Breaking: a league source tells me the NFL is investigating the possibility the Colts deflated footballs Sunday night. More to come.”
January 19th, 2015 – During an interview with Indianapolis’s premier afternoon sports radio show, Colts quarterback Andrew Luck calls the suggestion that the Colts intentionally deflated their footballs “ridiculous” stating that “I think I’ve heard it all at this point…it’s ridiculous. I don’t even respond to stuff like this.”
January 20th, 2015 – Chris Mortensen of ESPN tweets that “NFL has found that 11 of the Colts footballs used in Sunday’s AFC title game were under-inflated by 2 lbs each, per league sources.”
January 20th, 2015 – Bob Kravitz, suddenly internationally famous after breaking the news about the Colts and DeflateGate, tweets that “If morts report is on target, and I’m sure it is, Pagano should be suspended from the Super Bowl. My opinion.” And then, to one-up himself, to the cheers of Colts haters nationwide, Kravitz followed that with “If jim irsay is a true man of integrity he will take it out of the league’s hands and fire Pagano. Not holding my breath” and “A fine and picks aren’t enough for a repeat offender” (referring to coach Chuck Pagano and the Colts, of course). Kravitz then takes aim at Colts fans, tweeting at them “Colts fans: give up the fantasy. Your brilliant head coach is also a cheat. 11 of 12 balls deflated. Must be the ball boys fault right?”
January 22nd, 2015 – Colts head coach Chuck Pagano vehemently denies any accusations that the Colts have won the AFC Championship game dishonestly, stating in a press conference that “The National Football League is investigating this situation. We have cooperated fully, quickly, and completely with every request they have made; we continue to be cooperative in any way that we can. I have no explanation for what happened. That’s what they’re looking into. So I can’t comment on what they’re doing. That’s something you should talk to them about.” Quarterback Andrew Luck also maintains in a news conference that “I would never do anything to break the rules.” Luck goes on to say that “”I go in and I take the footballs that I want to use for the game.” “Our equipment guys do a great job with breaking the balls in. They have a process that they go through. When I pick those balls out, at that point to me they are perfect. I don’t want anyone touching the balls after that, I don’t want anyone rubbing them, putting any air in them, taking any air out.”
“To me those balls are perfect and that’s what I expect when I show up on the field. So that happened obviously on Sunday night, is the same process that I always go through. I didn’t think anything of it.”
January 22nd, 2015 – America laughs at Andrew Luck’s blatant lying through his teeth, and his perfect balls.
January 23rd, 2015 – The NFL announces that frequently-hired attorney Ted Wells has been appointed to investigate the Colt’s deflated footballs.
January 24th, 2015 – Colts coach Chuck Pagano delivers an impassioned press conference, complete with the results of his own recreation of a game-day scenario, to prove that the Colts had no role in the deflation of their game-day footballs, incorporating science and an excellent My Cousin Vinny reference in the process. Pagano, when asked if earlier cheating scandals such as Indianapolis’s fake crowd noise scandal of 2007, is incensed, firing back with “Look, that’s a whole other discussion…OK? …there were a lot of other teams doing that at the time too. OK? But forget about that. If we were wrong, then we were disciplined about that.”
January 25th, 2015 – Mike Florio of Pro Football Talk reports that a source has informed him that, in contradiction to Chris Mortensen’s tweet, a source has told him that 10 of the 12 Colts footballs were actually “…closer to one pound below 12.5 PSI”.
January 26th, 2015 – Former NFL quarterback and ESPN analyst Mark Brunell is brought to the brink of weeping on national television, stating that “I just didn’t believe what Andrew Luck has to say. Those balls were deflated, someone had to do it, and I don’t believe there’s an equipment manager in the NFL who would, on his own initiative, deflate a ball without the starting quarterback’s approval.” When ESPN’s Trey Wingo points out that Mark Brunell seems “pretty emotional”, Brunell doubles down – “Well, it’s disappointing because my experience is – listen, I started 151 games – there wasn’t one game ball I didn’t put my hands on. That football is our livelihood!”
January 26th, 2015 – Colts owner Jim Irsay emphatically and emotionally denies any wrongdoing by the Indianapolis Colts: “If the Wells investigation is not able to definitively determine that our organization tampered with the air pressure in the footballs, I would expect and hope the league would apologize to our entire team and in particular coach Chuck Pagano and Andrew Luck for what they have had to endure the last week. I am disappointed in the way the entire matter has been handled and reported on. I want to make it clear that I believe, unconditionally, that the Indianapolis Colts have done nothing wrong.”
January 27th, 2015 – Super Bowl Media Day is here! When asked, Colts players are clear that they don’t believe they cheated and it will not affect their Super Bowl focus. In an interview, Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch answers every question with “I’m just here so I don’t get fined”.
February 1st, 2015 – Super Bowl XLIX ends in the most thrilling fashion in recent history, with quarterback Andrew Luck completing 37 of his 50 passes for 4 touchdowns to 4 different receivers, including rallying back from the largest deficit in Super Bowl history and setting a Super Bowl record for completed passes. While acknowledging that Luck is perhaps the greatest quarterback in history, and will surely enter the Hall of Fame as soon as he becomes eligible, his legacy must be questioned and the Super Bowl win is tainted as a result of the cheating allegations raised by the Patriots.
February 20th, 2015 – Patriots general manager Bill Belichick reveals that he had alerted the NFL the week before the AFC Championship game about concerns that the Colts were underinflating footballs. Belichick told reporters that ““Earlier in that week, prior to the AFC Championship Game, we notified the league about our concerns. We went into the game, we had some issues.”
“I’m not going to get into specifics,” Belichick went on. “Hopefully everything can come out, and everybody will be able to have a clear look at the situation.”
May 6th, 2015 – Everything comes out. Ted Wells’ report is released, and finds that “…it is more probable than not that (the Officials Locker Room attendant for the Colts) and (an equipment assistant for the Colts) participated in a deliberate effort to release air from Colts game balls after the balls were examined by the referee.” Wells also states that it is “more probable than not that Andrew Luck was at least generally aware of the inappropriate activities…involving the release of air from Colts game balls.” Wells makes it clear that other Colts staff did not appear to be involved, specifying that “We do not believe that the evidence establishes that any other Colts personnel participated in or had knowledge of the violation of the Playing Rules or the deliberate effort to circumvent the rules described in this Report. In particular, we do not believe there was any wrongdoing or knowledge of wrongdoing by Colts ownership, Colts head coach Chuck Pagano, or any other Colts coach in the matters investigated.” Inadvertently, the Wells report also proves Chris Mortensen’s original “11 of the 12 Colts footballs were underinflated by 2.0 PSI” story to be completely and demonstrably false.
May 11th, 2015 – On a Monday afternoon after lunch, the NFL announces that Andrew Luck has been suspended without pay (rookie wage scale, but whatever) for four games for violating the NFL policy on “integrity of the game”. The Colts are also fined $1,000,000, to which owner Jim Irsay responded “Do you accept…cash?”, and stripped of their 2016 first-round and 2017 fourth-round picks, to which Jim Irsay replied “Wait, now how am I supposed to trade for Trent Richardson if he gets good again?”
May 14th, 2015 – The Colts publish the website “The Wells Report in Context” as a rebuttal to the findings of Ted Wells’ report, which the media is already realizing contains”… no evidence that Tom Brady preferred footballs that were lower than 12.5 psi and no evidence anyone even thought that he did. All the extensive evidence which contradicts how the texts are interpreted by the investigators is simply dismissed as ‘not plausible.’ Inconsistencies in logic and evidence are ignored.” Despite raising a plethora of valid points, the Colts website describes the nickname for a game-day employee of “The Deflator” as a joke for an employee trying to lose weight. The Internet LOLs.
May 14th, 2015 – The NFLPA announces that they will appeal Luck’s four-game suspension, citing the NFL’s “inconsistency and arbitrary decisions in disciplinary matters”. Fans and media alike ridicule Andrew Luck and tell him it’s time to STFU, take his medicine, and tell the truth all at the same time. Commissioner Roger Goodell is widely lauded for bringing the hammer down on Indianapolis’s “culture of cheating”
June 2nd, 2015 – NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announces that he will be the arbitrator in Andrew Luck’s suspension appeal. The commissioner states that “My mind is open. Because protecting the integrity of the game is the commissioner’s most important responsibility, I decline to rewrite our Collective Bargaining Agreement to abrogate my authority and ‘discretion’ to hear ‘any appeal’.”
June 23rd, 2015 – Andrew Luck’s appeal hearing lasts ten hours at NFL headquarters. Amazingly, nothing is leaked to the media. Yet.
July 23rd, 2015 – A report emerges that commissioner Roger Goodell is “being pushed by a small handful of influential owners to hold firm” on Luck’s four-game DeflateGate punishment. Colts fans cannot help but wonder if that “small handful” includes Patriots owner Robert Kraft, Ravens owner Art Modell, and Jets owner Woody Johnson, after those teams have been on the receiving end of Colts ass-whoopings for the past 15 years.
July 28th, 2015 – The NFL commissioner upholds his own punishment and announces that Andrew Luck’s four-game suspension will remain, and also announces that Luck destroying his cell phone was a key reason for the punishment. In addition, the NFL states that “Luck was aware of, and took steps to support, the actions of other team employees to deflate game footballs below the levels called for by the NFL’s Official Playing Rules.” Colts fans are outraged that the Wells report’s original finding that it was “more probable than not” that Luck was “generally aware” of others’ misconduct is now being described as the orchestrator of a deliberate mob-esque scheme. The media calls Luck’s destroyed cell phone “…the smoking gun that crushed the Colts superstar” and says that Luck “…gift-wrapped a present for Goodell, who was desperate for an angle to drop the hammer on the Indianapolis Colts superstar…Boom. Phone gone. Appeal done. Court of Public Opinion lost. Reputation in tatters.”
July 29th, 2015 – Andrew Luck posts a passionate explanation on his Facebook page, complete with a few grammar errors, on how disappointed he is about the NFL upholding his suspension and trying to explain to all of his fans how the narrative about his cell phone was twisted to look like a scheme and evading the league. The post also says that Luck and his team “…exhausted every possibility to give the NFL everything we could and offered to go thru the identity for every text and phone call during the relevant time”.
July 29th, 2015 – Colts owner Jim Irsay says at a news conference that “I was wrong to put my faith in the league” and apologizes to Colts fans for accepting the “harshest penalty in the history of the NFL for an alleged ball violation” in hopes that his good faith would be rewarded in a reduced suspension for his star quarterback. Sports analysts wonder aloud how Irsay could be so clueless.
July 31st, 2015 – The Colts release a series of emails between them and the NFL, begging the league to correct various leaks such as the “11 of 12 balls were 2.0 PSI underinflated” report that were later proven to be incorrect (by the Wells report, no less) and reminding the league that incorrect information could have only been leaked from NFL headquarters and was damaging Indianapolis’s image. The NFL giggles and replies “Nah bro”.
August 4th, 2015 – The transcript from Andrew Luck’s appeal hearing is released despite the NFL’s best attempts to have the records sealed. After the appeal transcript is analyzed, the Washington Post and Yahoo Sports, among others, realize that Roger Goodell has told the public that Luck told the league that he never spoke with game employees about DeflateGate and only discussed the Super Bowl, when in reality, the transcript shows Luck quite clearly said that he did talk to game employees about DeflateGate after the news broke. The transcript also shows that the NFL had no idea that pressure in footballs could drop naturally, which the public notes is kind of important.
August 4th, 2015 – Chris Mortensen’s infamous “11 of 12 footballs were 2.0 PSI under the limit” tweet that damned Luck and the Colts is finally deleted. The story, however, lives on at ESPN.com, despite what is now common knowledge that the numbers Mort referenced were completely different and nowhere near as egregious as he originally reported.
August 12th, 2015 – Andrew Luck’s court case begins in New York City. Judge Richard Berman consistently attacks the NFL’s lack of direct evidence and assumptions, as well as seemingly trying to wrap his head around the league’s head-spinning arrogance. Public opinion starts to, shockingly, shift to Andrew Luck’s side after hearing and seeing the NFL’s case look like Swiss Cheese in court, except, of course, for most of the country who hates him anyway and says things like “LUCK CHEATED! KICK HIM OUT OF THE NFL AND BAN PAGANO FOR LIFE CHEATERS CHEATERS CHEATERS!!!!1!!”
August 12th, 2015 – A courtroom sketch artist’s drawing of Andrew Luck surfaces on the Internet, in which he bears a stunning resemblence to Sasquatch from the Jack Links beef jerky commercials. Luck is also confused in the drawing with Snuffleupagus of Sesame Street fame.
August 12th, 2015 – ESPN’s Chris Mortensen reports that the NFL, despite being told by Judge Berman to work “in good faith” towards a settlement, crosses their arms and says that the league will not settle with Luck unless he “accepts the Wells report”, which, of course, Luck had testified under oath during his appeal hearing that he did not agree with.
August 12th, 2015 – Writers ranging from USA Today to Rolling Stone start noticing that Roger Goodell’s “discipline” follows a pattern so simple Scooby-Doo could figure it out, which is described as “The arc of the “sheriff’s” discipline cases is almost always the same. A prominent player, coach or team gets in the soup. Goodell steps in and promises justice. Salacious details are leaked to the media; the player is handed a maximum or beyond-maximum punishment; moralizing sportswriters rush to applaud the “tough” decision.
When the accused pursues his appeal, he discovers he’s not entitled to find out what the charges actually are, what evidence the league has or who’s testifying against him. Moreover, as the appeal date gets closer, the charges may change. The player might be told that he is accused of non-cooperation and/or lying. He and his lawyers soon discover that they’re being asked to prove a negative. Can you demonstrate you’ve cooperated fully? If the commissioner finds you “not credible,” what’s the defense against that?” Luck’s fans scream for justice and rally behind the #FREELUCK movement, only to be told they’re “homers” and the Colts simply cannot win without cheating.
August 19th, 2015 – Andrew Luck’s second day in court features Judge Berman picking up right where he left off and toasting the NFL yet again in a fashion almost as dominating as the Colts’ bamboozling of the New England Patriots in the AFC Championship game, where you’ll remember that the Colts scored 28 unanswered points in the second half after it was confirmed that the game balls were inflated properly. The Wells report is ripped to pieces by Judge Berman even more than Joel Schumaker’s Batman films, and flaws with the NFL’s bait-and-switch discipline and explanations for said discipline are aired on prime-time ESPN slots for the world to see how the league railroaded one of it’s biggest star players.
August 25th, 2015 – The Colts eagerly await the judge’s decision on Luck’s fate, after firmly professing that they still believe Luck is completely innocent and the team never cheated. Legal analysts are split on whether they should read Judge Berman’s public kick in the nuts to the NFL as an indicator that he’s inclined to exonerate Luck, or whether he’ll defer to the NFL’s CBA that the NFL says allows Goodell to punish anyone how he sees fit, regardless of whether Luck actually did anything, or whether Luck’s punishment is at all fitting to the purported breaking of a rule that may or may not have occurred.
September 3rd, 2015 – America gets wildly excited for the Thursday night regular season opener between the defending Super Bowl champion Indianapolis Colts and their fierce conference rivals, the Pittsburgh Steelers, to see if Indianapolis will unveil their Super Bowl banner if Andrew Luck is still suspended.
Must be rough. I guess we’ll see you in the playoffs, Colts. Try to keep your nose clean until then, eh?
…If you’re still with us, you’ve surely asked yourself what the hell the point of this admittedly ridiculous and entirely fictitious scenario is.
Take away the logo on Tom Brady’s helmet, and if this was happening to your team’s quarterback, you would be screaming bloody murder too.