Peyton Manning Leaked His College Story to Distract from HGH Scandal

It’s all so clear now – Peyton Manning, master manipulator of the media, has leaked a story about his college sexual harassment case to distract us from him being accused of using HGH.

Editor’s note: the following crackpot article is satire. It is not intended to be taken seriously and anyone who does should leave the Internet immediately.  Thank you.

Well folks, here we have it.  Peyton Manning has found the ultimate way to distract us from his PED accusations – by leaking a story about a sexual harassment incident he was involved in while he was playing at the University of Tennessee.

In an article published by the New York Daily News, titled “Peyton Manning’s Squeaky-Clean Image Was Built On Lies,” Manning’s college incident involving female trainer Dr. Jamie Naughright is described as follows:

“Naughright had her head down, but upon hearing the chuckles and guffaws, she looked up only to find herself face-to-face with Manning’s exposed ass and testicles. It was the gluteus maximus, the rectum, the testicles and the area in between the testicles. And all that was on my face when I pushed him up.”

Not only that, but the NYDN goes on to talk about how Peyton’s excuse that he was trying to moon another student doesn’t add up, and how in his autobiography, the Mannings published an account of the teabagging event that they knew wasn’t accurate.  They settled out of court with Dr. Naughright to make that incident go away.

Now, there’s clearly one reason, and one reason only, that this story has re-entered the media, almost 20 years after it happened:

Peyton Manning is trying to distract everyone from his HGH scandal.

Everyone knows how hard the Manning family works to keep their image in the media as squeaky-clean as Tom Brady‘s game day outfits, and leaking a court document about something Peyton did in the late 90s that most people would chalk up to a practical joke is the perfect way to take the heat off his HGH case.

The HGH situation with Peyton was just getting too ugly, guys.  Not only was there the Al-Jazeera report that came out right after Christmas, where a clinic associate says on camera that HGH was shipped to Peyton Manning’s home under his wife’s name, but just a week ago, news came out that Manning had sent two private investigators claiming to be cops to the house of the clinic associate’s parents.  The private eyes allegedly spooked the family so badly, they called 911. The guy who initially said Peyton had HGH sent to him recanted his story the next day.

Peyton’s hired PR guy, Ari Fleischer, HAD to see this as a golden opportunity to take the heat off the steroid case.  What better way to distract America from a two-time Super Bowl champion and holder of almost every quarterback record in the books being accused of using HGH than the storyline of “Oh, that Peyton Manning! Teabagging people in college! What a jokester, that Peyton! I bet he was crazy at parties!”

It’s all too obvious.

Nobody wants that HGH story gone more than Peyton does, and, in the same way that he would not be denied a second Super Bowl ring, Manning isn’t going to let a steroid scandal derail his ride into the sunset. No way, no how.

I mean, if you Google “Peyton Manning” right now, here’s the first five articles that come up:

There’s the New York Daily News article referenced above.

Then Fox Sports, “Peyton Manning Newest Target of Fake Internet Outrage Brigade”

Then, CBS Sports, “Teammate C.J. Anderson thinks Peyton Manning should retire”

Then Peyton’s Wikipedia page, that lists him right up front as a two-time Super Bowl Champion.

Finally, Pro Football Talk, “Release of 13-year-old court document dusts off Peyton …”

Peyton Manning has spun the narrative even tighter than his famous spiral, and he’s done it so well that now even Google is doing his dirty cover-up work for him.

Genius.

We’re going to be hearing about Teabagging-Gate for weeks to come.  But we’ll never hear another peep about the HGH that was sent to Peyton Manning’s house at the exact same time as he was recovering from neck surgery.

And that’s exactly how Peyton Manning drew it up, just like his trademark plays from the shotgun formation.

Have to say it again.

Genius.