WWE Wrestlemania XXX Diary Recap Part II
By Phil Bausk
Mandatory Credit: Jerome Miron-USA TODAY Sports
Here is the second part of my Wrestlemania XXX experience. If you want to catch up, click here to read part I.
8:13 PM
Corporate Kane and the New Age Outlaws take on The Shield in a six-man tag match.
Phil Bausk: When I was 12, I laughed out loud when Billy Gunn was referred to as “Ass Man”. At 26, nothing has changed apparently.
Mathias Kook: I thought he was Mr. Ass.
PB: Same difference?
MK: Kane is so dumb, in his suit pants. No sensible man could wrestle in suit pants. At least call him Korporate Kane.
The Shield tear through Kane and the Outlaws, winning the match in about three minutes and standing in the center of the ring unified.
8:24 PM
The ring is filled with 30 wrestlers taking part in the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royale. Sheamus comes to the ring more white than ever.
PB: This is so funny. Just 30 dudes, all in one ring, going to town on each other.
MK: There is so much man in there right now…Heath Slater looks just like Justin Turner. Look how white Sheamus is. He sticks out in the ring so easily.
PB: Kofi Kingston is awesome! Look at him not get eliminated…only to get eliminated 45 seconds later.
MK: Love Kofi, and Cesaro is awesome. Who’s gonna win Zigs?
PB: I’m pulling for Cesaro. He gets me every time he swings someone (as he swings Kofi Kingston 40 times)…very creative eliminations in this thing.
Cesaro lifts Big Show, reminiscent of Hogan slamming Andre The Giant. Cesaro wins the giant trophy and the Battle Royale.
MK: Cesaro just made picking up Big Show look so easy. That was amazing! Great to see Cesaro get that push!
PB: That was more entertaining than the Royal Rumble to me.
8:48 PM
Bray Wyatt faces off against John Cena in the battle of good vs. evil.
PB: If you put a C at the end of Cena for the title of this match, you get stand-up comedian Wyatt Cenac.
MK: Who thinks of that.?… Bray Wyatt is a great character, and I’m getting bored of John Cena. Wyatt’s entrance is just like True Detective.
PB: Finish me John, what a weirdo Wyatt is. I don’t like how they have Cena actually afraid of him.
MK: Well he does look like a crab!!!
PB: Is Jonathan Vilma going to get into the ring and start knocking in some heads?
Cena defeats Wyatt, because John Cena is just one tier below Jesus.
PB: How unhappy are you?
MK: Wyatt needed that win. That was a huge letdown.
9:26 PM
Brock Lesnar looks to avoid becoming the 22nd wrestler to lose to The Undertaker, who has a 21-0 record at Wrestlemania before the evening.
PB: The build up to this match stunk. Lesnar has looked weak and the Undertaker looks old.
MK: Taker’s entrance is so slow. Get to the ring already! This has literally taken 10 minutes and there are way too many coffins in one room.
MK: Undertaker looks old…and spray tanned.
PB: And he has a dumb mohawk. This match is a snooze.
MK: Do those submissions hurt? I mean they can’t hurt that much.
PB: The Boston Crab hurts. That’s all I really know thanks to some childhood wrestling.
MK: You have been extremely unhelpful tonight. You have answered none of my questions.
MK: All these moves are the same, with just very different names. “The Last Ride,” powerbomb. The Attitude Adjustment and the F-5 are the same.
Lesnar upsets the Undertaker, shocking fans all over the world, leaving the announcers somewhat speechless.
PB: Holy Crap.
MK: What just happened?!?!
PB: The crowd is in shock. I am in shock.
MK: People don’t know how to react. How could he lose to Lesnar? Is Taker retiring?
MK: I am more shocked now than when Carlos Beltran took strike three in the NLCS.
PB: Well yeah, we all saw that one coming…
MK: I still can’t believe it. Did that really happen? Are they chanting “we want a refund?”
I am skipping the Divas match, because frankly, it was nice to look at, but would feel wrong to talk about.
10:38
The main event. Daniel Bryan, Randy Orton, and Batista in a Triple Threat match for the WWE Championship.
PB: Of course Bryan can’t lift his arm. He is doing a one-armed Yes! chant.
MK: Bryan has to win. If Bautista wins, they’ll burn down the Superdome.
PB: I wish I had Randy Orton’s body.
MK: What a crazy move! A Batista bomb into an RKO onto a table. That looked, very painful for Bryan and Orton.
PB: Wow. The RKO did nothing though, classic wrestling.
MK: No they aren’t taking Bryan away! Come on!
PB: You know he is coming back. This is the WWE schtick at its finest.
PB: If I had Orton’s body, I would have women all over me.
MK: Best body in the WWE?
PB: Just men?
MK: Of course…he is cut. Most guys are too big or brawny. Not Orton, he has a great body.
MK: I am only realizing this isn’t going to look great for me in the blog.
PB: Nope it will not.
Bryan hits Orton and Batista with running knees and wins the match. Yes! chants erupt all over the Superdome.
MK: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! That was a great match.
PB: What a night!
Thank you everyone who suffered through all of this! Last night was a ton of fun, and I am looking forward to watching Monday Night Raw tonight to see the aftermath from Wrestlemania XXX.